


Nightmares

by SJE (Sam_Eller)



Series: The Many Stages of Jalec [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Parabatai, Past Child Abuse, and the clave is cool with it because they ain't all a bunch of bitches, in the last chapter anyways, jalec - Freeform, mostly canon-compliant but I take some liberties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-27 04:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19782955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sam_Eller/pseuds/SJE
Summary: Jace has always struggled with nightmares – and Alec has always been his solution.





	1. Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I shipped Malec when I read the books like forever ago back when I was a youngin - but the second I saw the TV series I was Jalec all the way. The chemistry between those two was just unreal and I loved them together. I'll probably write a Malec fic in the future because it still has a special place in my heart, but this one is all Jalec so if that ain't your thing get outta here now. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Alec didn’t have a lot of experience with nightmares. He’d never had any himself, had never seen anything nightmare-worthy he supposed, perhaps that would change when he began to go on missions. He had bad dreams of course, dreams where he lost someone he loved or, more commonly, disappointed them. Dreams like that were unpleasant and often had him clenching his teeth, waking with a sore jaw and a headache – but they weren’t nightmares.

Isabelle had once gone through a brief period of night terrors, which began suspiciously after she talked Alec into watching that mundane movie about the flying house and the evil witch. She had woken screaming, which had always lead to Alec appearing promptly at her bedroom door, he had hugged her tight and promised everything was okay, she would ask him to stay with her and of course he would oblige – he was the big brother after all – then she would quickly fall back to sleep, allowing Alec to slip out and back to his own bed. The nightmares had persisted only a couple weeks before tapering off and never again becoming an issue. With Isabelle it had all been rather simple. 

But Jace was different.

Because _ofcourse_ he was. 

He hadn’t screamed or shouted or made much of any sound at all that would alert Alec to his distress. In fact, the young Lightwood didn’t imagine he ever would have known that his new friend was suffering if the two boys hadn’t been sharing a room. 

Jace’s arrival had been sudden and not much preparation had gone into accommodating the new addition to the family. The institute was large and there was lots of space available to sleep an additional body, especially one as small and slight as Jace, but most of the spare bedrooms were used as extra training spaces and the rest were stocked full of weapons. So until proper accommodations could be arranged, it was deemed most sensible that Jace was to room with Alec. The older boy truly didn’t mind, he himself had shoved around furniture to make space for the extra bed, he supervised the move, and he insisted on a bedside table being brought in as well - he even stole a lamp from his father’s office to put on it. He watched as the mattress was dressed with sheets and a thicker blanket was spread out overtop, and he added one of the pillows off his own bed when he didn’t feel a sufficient number had been set out for Jace.

Alec was clearing out space in his closet, (because there was no telling how long it would take before the new bedroom would be available, shadowhunters were a hard-working bunch, but they tended to get…distracted, Alec’s parents in particular) when the blonde boy arrived at his room after he had been dragged by Hodge through a mandated tour of the institute.

“And this is where you will be staying for the time-being, Jonathon. Until your room is prepared.” Hodge declared with an impossible level of disinterest in his tone, nodding into the bedroom from the doorway before disappearing down the hall. 

Alec watched as Jace observed the space, noticing how still he held himself, like he was always at attention. His gaze was intense as he surveyed their surroundings, but it softened just a little when it landed on Alec. 

“Hey, umm there’s some room in the closet for your stuff if you want to unpack.” He pointed out, waving awkwardly at the closet space behind him. 

“Oh thanks.” Jace said, seeming grateful to have something to do. 

Alec was relieved at the reaction, he hadn’t known what the younger boy would do, whether or not he would balk at the simple efforts that had been made to welcome him. Alec stepped away from the closet, moving to sit on the edge of his bed, not having anything to do, but not wanting to leave his new companion. He couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to lose your father and your home and be dropped into an unfamiliar place, all alone. 

He watched as the small backpack that had been draped over Jace’s shoulder was plopped on the floor next to the closet. 

“Do you need help getting the rest of your stuff?” Alec asked, frowning at the fact that nobody had thought to aid Jace with his belongings. 

“Umm, no, this is everything.” Jace said, nodding down at the bag he was opening. 

“Oh okay, cool.” Alec lied as he made a mental note to tell his mother that Jace would be needing more clothes and, well, more things in general. He shifted awkwardly on the bed, glancing over at the alarm clock on his side table and noticing that it had gotten quite late. He busied himself with getting ready for bed, removing his shoes and pulling back his sheets, all the while keeping watch on the young boy meticulously hanging his meager items in the available closet space. Alec’s insides twisted at just how little Jace had, all of his clothing not even taking up half of the area that had been cleared for him. 

He moved to the bathroom, preparing for bed and trying his best to stop thinking about the new kid and how Alec just wanted to take away that tension in his posture and sadness in his eyes – and how he didn’t know why the blonde boy mattered so much to him. When he exited the bathroom, he saw Jace just standing in the center of the room, looking lost, and that knot inside himself that Alec had just spent so much time trying to untie, twisted itself right back up again. 

“Do you – do you need something to sleep in?” Alec asked, pretending not to notice how Jace flinched at his sudden entrance – but making an internal vow not to accidently creep up on the younger kid again. 

“I thought that was what the bed was for.” Jace spoke softly, a playful smirk on his lips. 

Alec rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the smile that pulled at his lips. 

“Well obviously, what I meant was do you have any sleep clothes?” 

Alec missed Jace’s mischievous expression the moment it was replaced by something timid.

“No.” He practically whispered, staring down at the now-empty bag at his feet.

“It’s okay. You can borrow something of mine.” Alec offered, his voice light and unbothered.

He chose his softest pair of sleep pants for no reason other than the boy with big eyes, boney joints, and bruises looked like he needed something soft. The pants were about an inch short, but had to be tied tight to remain in place. 

They were the same pants Jace was wearing nearly two weeks later when both boys were tucked in bed and Alec was -- for the twelfth night in a row – laying awake and listening to the impossibly soft whimpering sounding from across the room.

Alec turned over, trying to breathe through the ache in his chest.

He had woken up the first night of Jace’s arrival and hadn’t even known why at first, having to strain to hear the nearly silent whispers coming from the new bed. He had sat up and looked across the room, expecting to see the small body sitting up, but Jace appeared to still be asleep. When Alec had called out for him, he hadn’t reacted; so the Lightwood boy climbed swiftly out of bed and walked quietly across the floor, stopping at the other bed. Jace had been curled up impossibly small on the large mattress, grinding his face into the pillow – as though he was trying to worm his way inside of it – and crying softly. Alec whispered the boy’s name once again before placing a hand lightly on the boney shoulder and shaking it softly. Jace had startled awake, flinching away from Alec’s touch and squirming backwards so fast that he nearly tumbled off the other end of the mattress. 

Alec learned two very important things in that simple moment. 

He learned what the new boy looked like when he was scared. 

And he learned that he never wanted Jace to be afraid of him. 

_Never_.

Jace had apologized an uncomfortable amount of times and Alec had done the same before climbing back into bed and trying to fall fitfully back to sleep. The next night Alec had lied still and done nothing as he listened to Jace cry softly in his sleep and he hated every second of it. 

The nightmares didn’t stop and each night Jace would whimper, sometimes calling out for his father – which Alec preferred to the times were Jace would beg his father to ‘stop’. Stop what, Alec could only imagine, but the pleading cries and the bruises Jace had arrived with that had yet to completely fade, gave the older boy a distressingly clear idea. Some nights Alec would lie silently and pray for the soft sounds of pain to come to an end, but most nights Alec couldn’t stand to wait for it to end so he would wake Jace. 

He wouldn’t go over there and scare the boy, he never wanted to see the bright flash of terror through those bicoloured eyes ever again – especially not at him or because of him. So instead he would make a sound; he would knock something off his nightstand or cough loudly or do something that would wake Jace and bring him out of whatever horror was haunting his dreams. Jace would gasp quietly, popping up in bed before he would shrink back down on the mattress and curl back into a ball, other times after waking Jace would lay quiet for a moment before sneaking from the room. Alec had followed him one night to see where he escaped to, only to spy him going hard on a punching bag in the training room. Either way, Jace never fell back to sleep, which the bags beneath his eyes everyday made entirely too evident.

He figured the exhaustion might have been part of the reason Jace could be so reserved during the day, but perhaps that was just how the boy was. Jace was confident and always very composed when he was out and about in the institute. He could be mischievous and a little cocky and he liked to goof around at times in order to make Isabelle laugh, but he was always subtle about it. Alec liked that Jace was so good with his little sister, he had been nervous when Izzy asked the new boy to train with her because Jace was good – like _really_ good, too good for even Alec to stand against. He had watched nervously as the two had taken to the mats, tense on the sidelines more than ready to intervene to protect his sister, but there had been no need. Jace had been gentle in ways Alec hadn’t imagined someone who fought so hard and relentlessly ever could be. 

He liked that Jace could teach him some things about hand-to-hand and about the weapons that Alec hadn’t yet been permitted to train with yet. He liked that he could help Jace in the classroom – that they could both help each other – Alec thought they would make a team. 

He liked that Jace made a point of sticking with Alec and talking with him. Most people spent time with Izzy and chatted lots with her, she was outgoing and fun and people liked her a lot. But Alec was different, he was quiet and introverted and wasn’t very exciting; none of that seemed to matter to Jace though, who always elected to sit with Alec and stayed close to him, talking more to him than any other person in the institute. 

What Alec liked most so far about his new friendship (was it too early to call it that? Maybe, but Alec had never really had a friend before so he wasn’t sure about the rules) was that Jace was more relaxed in their bedroom around Alec than he was anywhere else. He would be far less guarded, the tension that was always clear in his body language would disappear when it was just the two of them in their room. He thought at first maybe it was just the privacy of the room, but after a few days he realized that Jace was just different around him. When it was just the two of them studying or training or eating, Jace was more at ease than he was any other time – if someone entered the room or came to join them, the young boy would tense back up, his expression firming. 

Alec didn’t know why that was. He didn’t know why Jace only seemed to be comfortable wit him, but he liked it, was glad for it.

He hoped to learn more about the new boy, because as much as he liked him, he was still quite a mystery.

Alec didn’t know this kid. He didn’t know why Jace’s pain hurt him so much. But he knew that he had to put an end to it. 

So on the twelfth night, when the whimpering began, Alec decided enough was enough and slid off his mattress, shuffled soundlessly across the floor, and climbed onto Jace’s bed. He reached out and wrapped his arm around the younger boy, gently sliding the smaller frame towards him and hugging it close. He held his breath when he felt Jace twitch awake in his arms, thankful that it wasn’t the violent flinch that had happened on the first night. The small body remained completely still for a moment before Alec felt Jace’s fingers brush against his chest. 

“Alec?” It was the most timid sound Alec had heard come from the boy while being in a wakeful state. 

“Yeah.” He whispered in reply. 

“What are you doing?” Jace questioned, sounding confused but still not moving away. 

“I don’t know.” Alec answered honestly, shrugging slightly. “This always made Izzy feel better whenever she had bad dreams. Thought I’d try it.” 

Jace was silent for nearly a minute, Alec kept waiting for him to pull back, but he didn’t, although he did remain stiff in the older boy’s hold. 

“Sorry I woke you.” Jace muttered. 

“Don’t be.” Alec dismissed, finding the apology to be rather absurd – it was hardly Jace’s fault he had nightmares. 

They remained in that position another few moments, Alec frowning as Jace’s thin frame was still riddled with tension. 

“I this – uh, is this okay?” He asked after a moment, loosening his hold and preparing to pull away at Jace’s say-so. 

“Yes.” Jace responded immediately, barely before Alec had completed his question, sounding almost panicked. 

“You sure?” Alec double-checked, not wanting to force Jace into doing anything he didn’t want.

“I’m sure.” Jace whispered, sounding much calmer as he finally relaxed into the mattress, shifting closer to the other boy in the process. 

Alec nodded, mostly to himself as he reaffirmed his hold on the thin frame, satisfied when Jace didn’t tense-up at all. He held him until he was breathing soft and steady, no longer the quick whistling inhales that he did when he was having a nightmare. He hugged him until he was content that Jace was no longer in distress, and then Alec began to unwrap his arms from where they were wound around the blonde boy. At the movement Jace made a small displeased noise in his throat that sounded very much like a whine – the sort of sound Izzy would make when Alec wouldn’t let her have a fourth cookie. 

“You want me to stay?” He queried, feeling doubtful that the confident fierce fighter would want or need Alec, but unsure of what else would be the reason for the complaint. 

He felt more than saw Jace’s head move up and down as he replied. 

“Yes. I mean, if that’s okay. You don’t have to—

“I don’t mind.” Alec whispered, having no need for whatever out Jace was about to offer him. 

Because he didn’t mind, not one bit. 

What he minded was the strange sad new boy suffering silently every night. What he minded was laying there and doing nothing to end his new friend’s pain. What he minded was Jace being in pain. 

Making it better? Putting an end to the heartbreaking cries? Wrapping the skinny blonde kid in his arms? Holding Jace all night, keeping him safe?

Alec didn’t mind that at all.

Not. One. Bit. 

“Thanks.” It wasn’t much louder than a breath but Alec heard it clear as day and he felt his insides untwist just a little, and then a little more as he felt Jace tuck himself right up against his chest. 

Alec didn’t know the new kid too well.

He didn’t know exactly what made the young shadowhunter whimper at night. 

He didn’t know why the small body was covered in so many bruises or why it was already imprinted with runes. 

But he knew that Jace was important, that he mattered to Alec. 

And he knew that he would do anything to protect the blonde boy in his arms.

_Anything._


	2. Parabatai

Jace’s nightmares hadn’t simply stopped over the years, they had just become less frequent. 

What frustrated Alec, was that since the boys were in separate rooms, he didn’t always know when the nightmares had returned. A part of him wished Jace cried out from his night terrors the way Izzy had, that way Alec would know that his friend was struggling, he would know that he was needed.

It would make everything so much simpler. 

But ofcourse this was Jace, so nothing was simple. 

Instead Alec had to read the younger boy, he had to know when the shadows under the bicolored eyes were simply from too many strenuous missions or if Jace’s sleep was once again being haunted by the horrors of his past. A past Alec still didn’t know as much about as he wished he had, but he had heard Jace’s cries and whimpers when he was caught in the throws of a nightmare, he remembered the bruises the boy had arrived with, he had heard the gossip whispered throughout the institute about the new child who was far too young to be imprinted with runes, he had seen the scars that Jace tried to keep hidden, he knew the kid better than anyone else and had studied him closely; and all the evidence pointed toward the kind of childhood that was destined to haunt anyone’s dreams, especially the boy who lived through it. 

Alec had to watch Jace carefully to know when it was becoming too much. The confident charismatic boy could have bad days, days where he was quiet and reserved and seemed to be lost in his own head, that wasn’t abnormal – but when there were too many of them in a row and the bags beneath his eyes continued to darken, Alec knew that the night terrors had returned.

When he was sure of what the issue was -- because Angel forbid that the damn boy just come to him for help like Alec had begged him to – he would do what he always did and make things better.

It always went the same way. He would sneak into Jace’s room at night, never surprised to see the younger man curled and whimpering, being tortured by whatever horrors had captured his mind. Alec would slide into the bed and pull the boy into his chest. Jace would wake surrounded by Alec and would quickly settle. Jace would apologize and Alec would shush him, because nothing else on the planet could ever be more unnecessary. The Lightwood boy would always ask Jace if he wanted to talk about what happened, and every damn time the blonde hair would tickle Alec’s chin during the headshake indicating a stubborn refusal. Alec never pushed it, because Jace was not to be pushed, nothing could shut the younger Wayland down faster and have him slam his walls back up into place. So Alec would drop the matter and simply hold the slim frame until both boys fell peacefully back to sleep. The next morning, like every other time, Jace would wake up and apologize once again, ignoring Alec’s insistence that he never needed to do so, before slipping out of the older boy’s grip and off the bed, shame colouring his pale face as he hastily prepared for the day.

Alec understood. Jace was strong and confident and it was not in his nature to seek comfort or accept it. Alec was simply glad that the younger boy trusted him enough to allow him to be there for him; something the older was fairly certain Jace had never permitted anyone else to do – or perhaps no one had ever offered. A fact that Alec tried desperately not to think about because it never failed to make his heart ache. 

Alec hoped that one day Jace would come to him when he was struggling, that he would allow himself someday to seek help and trust Alec enough to provide it. But until then, the young Lightwood would remain ever vigilante, doing his best to ensure his best friend wasn’t suffering in silence.

Alec hoped that becoming parabatai would make his self-appointed task that much simpler. Now he would be able to _feel_ Jace’s distress instead of always trying to read it past the boy’s securely fastened mask. 

Or at least that was the hope. 

He had felt more bonded to Jace and they definitely worked impossibly more efficiently together, being able to feel each other’s movements and intentions, but when it came to emotions – well those were far more complicated. Thus far Alec had a difficult time deciphering through which were his own feelings and which ones were sneaking through the bond from Jace. It was all overwhelming and complicated and truly hadn’t done the young shadowhunter any good at being able to read and/or comprehend the complicated blonde boy Alec cared for so deeply. 

The first time his new rune truly aided him where Jace was concerned, it was a time when Alec really shouldn’t have needed the help at all. 

He should have seen it coming. 

It was shortly after the parabatai ceremony and was nearly the anniversary of the day Jace arrived at the New York Institute – which also meant another anniversary was approaching, one that always seemed to arrive with a darkness that would plague the blonde teen; it was almost four years to the day since Michael Wayland’s death. Every other year on the particularly bleak anniversary, Jace would become incredibly withdrawn and occasionally reckless, so Alec always did his best to keep an eye on the younger boy. This year the anniversary had snuck up on him. 

Alec woke with a start, sitting up in bed knowing that something wasn’t right, but entirely unsure as to what was so wrong. He surveyed his room and found that not a single thing was out of place, there was no visible reason for his abrupt entrance into full consciousness. He sat there, squinting into the dark, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and trying to understand why his heart was galloping in his chest. 

Panic.

That was what he was feeling. Suffocating panic and crippling fear. Alec glanced down at his hands, watching them tremble, and frowned -- not connecting his current emotional state with his present reality. It took another few seconds before it clicked. Comprehension slamming into him like a fighting stick to the gut.

 _Jace_

Alec threw his blankets to the side and practically leapt out of bed, sprinting out his door and down the hall, the floor cold on his feet as he moved rapidly but soundlessly across it. He arrived at Jace’s door, swiftly opening it and stepping inside the room. 

He didn’t know what it was he expected to see, from the crushing emotions that were overwhelming him he imagined the younger man would have been in an altercation of sorts. Jace had to be in great distress to be exuding such powerful emotions so strongly through the bond. But there was no battle being fought and no war being waged.

There was simply a skinny teenage boy curled up on his mattress, panting, crying, and shaking. 

It drove Alec mad that Jace didn’t struggle during his nightmares, as menial of a dilemma as that might be, it bothered the Lightwood boy immensely. Jace was stubborn and relentless, he was a fighter – but when his nightmares hit, he always curled up so small, like he was terrified and helpless, and that was just so incredibly _wrong_ that it twisted Alec’s stomach into knots.

He had played witness to many of Jace’s night terrors before – though it pained him to admit he hadn’t been there for all of them – but this seemed to be more intense than the others he had seen. Jace was covered in sweat and trembling violently, while he didn’t just cry, but rather sobbed into the mattress – the pillows having shifted from beneath his head.

“Father, please. Please, stop. Please. I’m sorry. I’ll do better. Please, stop.” 

The broken pleas were all the prompting required to remind Alec of the grim anniversary that was approaching. 

“Oh, Jace.” He sighed, his own voice cracking as he wasted not another second before sliding into the bed. 

He was careful not to lay on the hands that Jace had white-knuckling the bedsheet, as he situated himself on his side and reached out to wrap his arms around the thin frame. 

Jace woke with a soft cry and a flinch – which told Alec exactly how deep into the nightmare his parabatai had been dragged because he hadn’t reacted that way in years, he almost always recognized Alec’s hold before waking.

It didn’t take the newly-conscious boy more than a second to identify the arms that surrounded him. 

“Alec.” It wasn’t a question, but a sigh rasped out in a wrecked voice. 

“Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got you, Jace. You’re safe.” Alec vowed softly, tightening his grip as he tried to absorb the tremors that continued to ripple through his parabatai. 

“M’sorry.” The teen whispered after he was finally able to get his breathing levelled and under control, though his body had yet to stop trembling. 

“Don’t be.” Alec dismissed, pulling the boy impossibly closer. 

His heart clenched at the force of which Jace burrowed into him, as though he was desperate to escape the cruel world who had never shown him a single drop of mercy. Alec held on, happy to shelter the boy he loved so much. 

“Sorry.” 

Alec felt more than heard the apology mumbled into his collarbone. He shook his head running a hand up the thin frame’s spine and into the mess of blonde hair. “It’s okay.” He assured, forcing every drop of sincerity into his tone. He could feel the panic begin to edge away from where it had been screaming at him through the bond, but a concerning level of distress remained, Alec’s heart still pounding through his chest just as he could feel Jace’s was. 

“Sorry.” His parabatai hiccupped once more, his entire body shaking as a shiver tore through it. 

“Quit it with that.” Alec admonished. His touch remaining gentle even as he scolded the younger boy. 

Jace hiccupped and sniffed, but made no additional apologies as he curled into the older boy, his sweat-slick forehead sliding across the long neck. 

Alec held onto Jace until both their heartbeats had slowed, until the frightened teen finally stopped trembling, and until there was no longer despair flowing through the bond – before he dared to pose a question he already knew the answer to. 

“Want to talk about it?” 

The words had barely left his mouth before he felt Jace’s head move side to side against his collarbone. 

Normally, Alec would have let it go, because his best friend was never to be pushed, but he couldn’t forget the horrifying emotions he had woken up to and how crippling they had been – how they had taken over his entire body. He had been genuinely terrified and that had just been second-hand emotion, it was simply what had slipped through the bond, which meant that Jace had been experiencing ten times the pain. 

That was unacceptable. 

“Jace, talk to me.”

The teen stiffened immediately and Alec knew Jace was mere seconds from pulling away and he knew better than to ever restrain him – as much as he wanted to on occasion. So instead he gathered all the love he had for his parabatai and pushed it through the bond. It was the first time he had tried to use their connection that way – as a passage for emotions, but he had to try, had to do _something_ to keep Jace safe and in his arms. 

It took a moment, but soon the tension blead from the boney body and Jace squirmed even closer. Alec couldn’t help but twitch a smile at the behaviour, Jace ran cold and he had always been a little heat-seeker. 

“It was about my dad.” He confessed; his voice so hushed Alec had to strain to hear it. 

“I know that much.” Alec admitted, keeping his own words quiet, it seemed as though it would be a crime to shatter the peace the two had created. 

“He died four years ago the day after tomorrow.” The statement was made almost nonchalantly. “Or tomorrow I guess, it’s probably some terribly early morning hour by now.” He added, his head moving up form where it had been tucked beneath Alec’s chin to rest on the pillow and look up at him. 

“I know.” The older teen said, sliding down slightly in the bed so he could rest his forehead against Jace’s, offering comfort, before pulling back only slightly to lay his head on the pillow next to his parabatai. 

“My dream, it was about him.”

The Lightwood teen waited for the Wayland boy to continue, but minutes went by and he never did. 

“What about him?” Alec prompted, keeping his words soft, knowing he was taking a risk, but needing Jace to open up to him. How was he supposed to look out for the blonde boy? How was he supposed to protect the other half of his fucking soul? When he didn’t know what was truly going on.

“Just- just about his death.” 

Alec knew it wasn’t a lie, but he knew just as well that he wasn’t receiving the full truth, or even half of it. 

“And?” He encouraged. 

“Isn’t that enough?” Jace bristled, his eyes flashing gold as he the glared across the small space.

Alec refused to rise to the bait, but calmly persisted. “Of course it is.” He placated. 

Jace’s eyes lost some of their fire, but a defensive crease remained in place on his forehead. 

“But I know that there’s more. Fuck, Jace, I _felt_ it.”

“Felt what?” Jace asked, eyes wide. 

“Terror.” Alec replied honestly. 

Jace’s gaze fell to the fingers he was twisting into the fabric of Alec’s sleep shirt.

“Im So—

“No. No more apologies.” Alec insisted.

“But you shouldn’t have to feel that.” 

“I’m glad that I did.” 

The younger teen looked back up at the older boy, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“I’ve always known your nightmares are bad, I’ve seen how scared they make you. But I never knew, I never imagined that they were that- that _terrifying_.” Alec confessed, his heart speeding up as he thought back to the panic and fear he had woken up to. “I want to know whenever you’re hurting like that, I _need_ to know. So that I can look out for you. That’s what parabatai do, right?” 

He watched Jace nod slowly, but he didn’t look up or offer any further information. 

Alec’s gut twisted at the thought of his best friend suffering alone for another moment and he just couldn’t bear it – it had been _years_ already and he couldn’t let it go on a second longer. He slid his hand around from where it had been flattened against Jace’s spine and moved it to rest against his boney hip, his thumb stroking back and forth right above the new rune he knew was hidden beneath the t-shirt. 

“Please, Jace.” He begged, his voice cracking as his desperation slipped through. 

The blonde boy sucked in a stuttered inhale, the fingers on his right hand travelling down to rest over Alec’s parabatai rune, pressing gently against it. 

Seconds became minutes that passed in silence, neither boy so much as shifting an inch, Alec’s gaze trained steadily on the younger teen, as Jace stared down at the hand he had splayed over the older boy’s hip. 

“Three days before my dad died we went out on a hunt.” 

Alec pinched his lips, Jace had been ten years old when he arrived at the institute, which was too young to have any runes let alone the amount he had been imprinted with – and it sure as shit was way too damn young to be out on assignments.

“It was a vampire nest. I don’t really know anything else, my dad never told me details, he wanted me to always be ready for anything.” Jace explained, using the hand that wasn’t on Alec’s hip to scratch lightly at an old stain on the front of his shirt, the same place the bicoloured eyes were studiously trained. 

Alec scowled, internally cursing Michael Wayland and the twisted way he had trained his son.

“There were a lot of them, vampires. We got most of them – and then I went into the next room and there was this … this girl. She was a vampire, but she didn’t look evil or like she ever hurt anyone. She just looked scared.” Jace explained, his voice wavering as he sniffed and swiped at his eyes. 

Alec felt his heart crack at the despair he could see and feel coming off the younger boy – even without the parabatai bond the force of emotion would have affected him, Jace’s pain was practically palpable. He was assaulted by the visual of a child as small and gentle as ten-year-old Jace had been, being forced to commit such violent acts – it was enough to turn Alec’s stomach inside out.

“She couldn’t have been much older than Izzy. And I- I couldn’t take the shot. My dad came in the room and he saw me standing frozen and he yelled at me to do it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.” The teen explained, sounding every bit as raw as he looked when he glanced up briefly at the older boy. The helpless look in that captivating gaze causing Alec to tighten his grip on Jace as he shifted another inch closer. “So he did it.” He continued his voice taking on a haunted tone, one that Alec knew he would have a difficult time ever forgetting. “And then when we got home – I was so tired and hurting, but he wanted to train. He said obviously I wasn’t any good so he had to make me better, he had to train me harder.” 

Alec clenched his jaw, trying not to outwardly display his furry at such an outrageous comment. 

“I thought he’d have me target practice because I didn’t take the shot, but he said he wanted to work on my hand-to-hand.” 

Jace trembled in his parabatai’s arms, his heartbeat beginning to quicken in pace. Alec could feel the panic creeping back in and he moved closer in response, eliminating the little space that had separated the two teens.

“But he didn’t really want to train. He just wanted to hit me.” Jace confessed, his voice adopting a resigned tone that made the words he had spoken all the more egregious. “He hit me before when I did things wrong, when I needed to learn.” 

The information wasn’t new by any means, Alec had pieced together as much over the years, he knew of the abuse the beautiful blonde boy had suffered at the hands of his father – but he never knew the specifics and it was never something Jace had proclaimed aloud before. Actually hearing the truth he had known about for years, gave the reality of it all a whole new weight and brought about an entirely new level of anguish. Anger and despair fought for control over Alec’s mental state, but he pushed them both aside and placed all his focus on the teenager trembling in his arms. 

“But never like that. He just, he wouldn’t stop. I’d tried so hard to fight back the way I was supposed to, but he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t even let me up. He just kept hitting me and- and kicking me and he wouldn’t stop.” Jace’s voice broke, tears streaming down his face as he angled his head up to look at Alec. “He wouldn’t stop. I let him at first, I took it quiet because sometimes that was the lesson. Sometimes he wanted me to learn to not show any pain or fear. But that didn’t work, that must not have been it, because he was supposed to stop when I learned my lesson and he just kept going.” Jace choked out, his breathing becoming erratic. 

“So I promised I’d do better, I promised I’d learned. I said I was sorry so many times. I said everything I thought he wanted me to. And then I just _begged_ him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t stop.” Jace choked out, his hands gripping Alec’s shirt as he tugged himself impossibly closer and burrowed into the older teen. 

Alec hugged the slim frame as tightly as was possible without causing pain and tried to swallow past the ball of emotions trapped in his throat. His heart felt as though it was physically shattering, the ache in his chest making it hard to breathe. 

“I don’t even remember him stopping. I just woke up in the same spot the next day and everything hurt so bad.” 

Alec felt a tear drip off his nose onto the pillow and could feel more building in his eyes. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, he had no idea how to help the boy breaking to pieces in his arms. 

He couldn’t get the image out of his mind, the image of the timid child he had first met, the blonde boy who had shown up one day and quickly become one of the most important people in Alec’s life – the small kid with bicoloured eyes and a kind soul, being beaten mercilessly into unconsciousness. He thought back to each bruise Jace had been sporting when he had arrived at the institute, imagining the vicious hits that had caused each one. 

It filled the Lightwood boy with a rage he had never imagined he could be capable of.

If Michael Wayland had been alive, Alec would make it his personal mission to tear that monster apart piece-by-fucking-piece. But that wasn’t an option. Because the bastard was already dead. 

“I’m sorry.” He rasped helplessly as he secured his arms firmly around the thin body, absorbing each tremor and willing the rapid heartbeat to slow. 

Jace released a strangled sob as he huddled into the solid hold. 

“I’m so sorry.” Alec repeated huskily, sliding his hand into the tangled blonde hair, kissing the top of Jace’s head as he tucked it beneath his chin. 

“No apologies. Remember?” Jace whispered, his arms wrapping around the older boy’s midsection as he tangled their legs together. 

Alec twitched a sad smile as cold feet pressed into shins.

Little heat-seeker.

The next morning Alec wouldn’t mind being exhausted, he wouldn’t mind when Jace slid out of the bed all awkward and embarrassed, because he had made things better for his parabatai. 

He protected him from the nightmares – the nightmares caused by a horrifying childhood that Alec hadn’t been able to save Jace from. 

But he was here now, and he could save him now.

He would protect Jace. 

Tonight.

Tomorrow night.

_Forever_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How'd you like it? Was it any good? It kept me up until 5am so I sure hope that somebody enjoys it! Thanks for reading!


	3. Boyfriends

It was no surprise that Jace’s time with his father – or rather, Valentine Morgenstern -- aboard the Morning Star would cause the young man’s old foe to rear its ugly head. 

_Nightmares_

They had returned with a vengeance. 

There were nights when Jace was simply too exhausted to dream, where he would crawl into their bed and be out like a light often before Alec had time to join him. He didn’t mind of course, Jace seemed to be in a perpetual mode of exhaustion, the hunt for Valentine taking up most of his time and energy – and honestly Alec was more than happy to crawl into bed and curl himself around his sleeping boyfriend. 

But then there were nights when Jace would begin to whimper, pressing himself into the mattress as though he wanted to hide inside of it. Alec would wake to either the distress flowing through the bond, or the impossibly quiet cries coming from the young man at his side. He would do what he always did, he’d wrap his arms around the too thin frame – Jace had lost a lot of weight on that damn boat and as hard as he tried Alec hadn’t manage to get his boyfriend to gain back much more since his return – and wait for Jace to wake. Sometimes the younger man would rouse immediately, entering the conscious world with a broken sound that was half-gasp half-cry and never failed to break Alec’s heart. Other times it took more work to wake Jace, he was so lost in the horrors dominating his mind that it seemed he was trapped, unable to break himself free. Alec would have to resort to shaking the smaller man awake when he couldn’t stand to listen to him hurting for another second. Jace would come-to making that heartbreaking sound. He would stay with Alec, allow himself to be comforted only until his breathing had regulated and his heartbeat calmed, sometimes if Alec requested it he would discuss his nightmare, and then he would pull away. Jace would apologize profusely before leaving the room, not listening to Alec’s reassurances during his escape. Alec followed him a time or two to find Jace going hard in the training room or, on occasion, he’d find him back in his old bedroom, the one the blonde boy hadn’t bothered occupying since the two became a couple. 

Alec was okay if Jace needed his space, but he wasn’t okay with the black circles shadowing those beautiful gold and blue eyes. He wasn’t okay with the way he could feel Jace blocking their bond after waking from a nightmare. He wasn’t okay with the other half of his soul running from him and shutting him out. 

He wasn’t okay with Jace reverting to his ways from when he first arrived, and choosing to suffer alone. 

And he wasn’t about to stand by another moment and allow that to happen. 

So the next time he woke to a wave of terror and helplessness that he knew was not his own, Alec knew something had to be done. He looked to his right, unsurprised but still eviscerated by the sight of Jace curled up small, sweat-soaked, and shaking. 

He wasn’t making a sound, but his lips were moving in a pattern that Alec could read as wordless pleading.

“Jace.” He rasped, his heart clenching as he shifted closer and wrapped his arms securely around the slim, trembling frame. 

The younger man was in too deep for the simple contact to shake him loose. 

“Jace, You’re safe. I’m here. Come back to me.” Alec implored; his chest pressed against his parabatai’s back as he pressed his lips to Jace’s temple. “C’mon babe, please. You’re scaring me.” 

He didn’t know if it was his words or his lips or the tightening of his arms around the smaller body, but whatever it was, it caused Jace to wake – a part-gasp part-sob tearing from his lips as his eyes snapped open. The two orbs were completely gold for a moment, before fading back to partially blue as Jace took in his surroundings, twisting to lie on his back, visibly working to slow his breathing. 

“You’re safe. I’ve got you. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Alec vowed, his voice quiet but sure as he met the wide gaze that looked up at him. “You’re safe.” 

Jace gave a shaky nod as he stared up at the ceiling for a moment. 

“The boat?” Alec ventured with a whisper, not wanting to push too much, he had already managed to convince Jace to share with him a great deal of the atrocities he had suffered while onboard the Morning Star at the hands of the man – or rather, monster -- who had raised him. Alec wasn’t going to force Jace to share any more than he already had. He knew the younger man and he knew how painful and exhausting it was for him to open up and sometimes Alec had to push just a little because it was what was best for his parabatai – but he had pushed enough as of late and he wasn’t going to prompt Jace to share anymore than he wanted to. 

“Yeah.” The younger man rasped, squirming a little on the bed as though he had just become uncomfortable in his own skin. “I really didn’t think I’d ever make it off that ship.” He mentioned, sounding almost detached.

“But you did.” Alec reminded him softly. 

“I did.” Jace confirmed, sounding as though he was trying to convince himself of that fact.

When no further information was offered, Alec let it go; his thumb moving rhythmically over a scar on Jace’s ribs, one of them many that had been placed there by Valentine back when he was pretending to be Michael Wayland, back when Jace had been just a small boy with unruly blonde hair and big eyes, who was desperate for love but terrified of it at the same time. 

Alec couldn’t wait to find the bastard who had scarred Jace, --the one who Alec loved more than anyone in the world, in more ways than could be properly calculated -- and tear him open from nose to naval. 

Alec was disrupted by his vengeful musing, by Jace moving out of his hold. 

“Sorry.” The young man muttered as he slid out of bed, his sleep pants riding low on his boney hips – they hadn’t fit him right since he’d returned from Valentine’s clutches.

“Don’t be.” Alec responded automatically, sitting up in bed. His heart clenched at how lost and small Jace looked standing in the middle of the room – his thin arms wrapped around himself as though he were trying to provide his own comfort or warmth, perhaps both. 

“Sorry for waking you.” Jace said, his eyes scanning the room before he evidently found what he was searching for – the sweater tossed over the chair in the corner. It was one of Alec’s old sweaters and the warn grey fabric practically swallowed the younger man as he zipped it up around himself. 

“It’s okay.” Alec assured, wondering to what lengths he would have to go to convince Jace to stop apologizing – he was committed to figuring it out one of these days. 

Jace shook his head, his lips pinched in what appeared to be disagreement, but he didn’t say another word, simply made for the door. 

“Want me to come train with you?” Alec offered, hastily climbing from the bed, hoping he didn’t look half as panicked as he was feeling. 

Jace stalled, hand stretched toward the doorknob as he glanced over his shoulder. If he was surprised that his boyfriend knew where he escaped to most nights, he didn’t show it. “No, you should get back to sleep.” 

“I’m fine.” 

Jace frowned at that, fully turning to face the taller man, staring sternly across the five feet of space between them. “You’re not. You’re tired. I can see it. You’re busy all day with everything that’s going on – it’s not fair of me to keep you up all night.” He declared, turning back towards the door. 

“Jace.” 

His parabatai stilled, as Alec knew he would, but this time when he turned it was clear he was irritated.

“Just, do what you have to do. But don’t- just don’t shut me out. Okay?” Alec requested, taking a step forward but still leaving Jace his space. 

“I’m not. I’m just letting you sleep in peace.” 

Alec shook his head before Jace had even finished speaking. “You are. You’ve done it every night you’ve had a nightmare since you got home. You’re doing it now – blocking the bond so I can’t feel you.” Alec insisted, being sure there was no accusation in his tone. 

The blonde boy hung his head, his fingers fiddling with the frayed edge of one of his sleeves. 

Alec took another couple steps closer, being sure to keep it slow and non-threatening. He reached toward Jace’s hand, entangling their fingers and waiting until the gold and blue eyes inched up to meet him before he continued. 

“Whatever you need to do in order to be alright, that’s okay. Just – just don’t shut me out.” 

Jace’s gaze dropped but he shifted a little closer, inching further from the door and fully angling toward Alec. The fingers that weren’t locked in Alec’s grip moved down to the older boy’s left hip where they gently traced the rune that marked it. 

Alec shivered slightly at the contact and contracted his grasp around Jace’s fingers. 

“If you are feeling restless or you need to burn off some steam in the training room, go for it. I could join if you want.” Jace looked up, an objection clear on his expression, but Alec continued before he could speak. “Or if you need space, that’s okay too. If you want to train alone, or- or even if you want to sleep alone. I know we never really talked about you moving into this room, it just sort of happened – we probably should have talked about or something, but it’s okay if you want your own room, I can help you move some of your stuff—

“ _Stop_. Alec, babe, stop.” Jace instructed, a twitch of a smile on his face as he placed a finger to his boyfriend’s lips. 

Alec obediently shut his mouth, wrapping his free hand around Jace’s and softly kissing the finger at his lips and then the knuckle that appeared when Jace closed his fingers around Alec’s. They stood there, holding each other’s hands, fingers interlocked as they stared steadily into each other’s eyes.

“I want to be in your room.” 

“ _Our_ room.” Alec corrected.

Jace’s smile climbed a little higher. “Our room. With you. That’s where I want to be. _Always_.” 

Alec shook his head. “Not always.” 

“Yes, always. We hardly see each other some days and coming in here at the end of another long day is exactly what I want. Honestly, I always felt more at home in your room than anywhere else, since back when I first got here and we shared one.” 

Alec nodded because a part of him had always known that. When Jace first arrived, he had been more at ease in their shared bedroom than anywhere else inside or outside of the institute and even when he had finally gotten his own room, more often than not if you went looking for him, he could be found in Alec’s bedroom. 

“I’d always rather be here with you than anywhere else.” Jace declared, his eyes honest and imploring as the focussed in on Alec.

“Then why do you keep leaving?” The older boy inquired softly. 

“Not because I need space – well, sometimes I need space, but not from you, never from you. Anytime I’ve needed to get away from the world, that has never included you. You’ve always been the exception.” 

Alec tried not to blush but it was difficult with Jace staring at him with such unadulterated adoration. “Then why?” 

“For _you_.” 

“Me?” Alec balked. 

“Yes, you. You’ve got enough on your plate, enough going on. You need sleep and peace; you don’t need me keeping you up all night with all my issues.” Jace elaborated, his fingers squirming free of Alec’s hold so he could toss his hands up in an aggravated motion. 

Alec squinted at the younger man, entirely unsure of where to even begin with such a clusterfuck of a statement, but Jace continued before Alec could figure it out. 

“I mean, I should be able to handle this. I’m not a child anymore, I should be able to figure this out. I shouldn’t still be having nightmares. I should be over it by now.” He huffed, frustration in his voice and his body language as he paced back and forth. 

“Over it?” Alec commented in absolute disbelief. 

Jace didn’t detect the tone, because he continued as though the question had been genuine. “Yeah, it’s been weeks or longer, I mean, some of the dreams I have now are from stuff that happened when I was a _kid_. It’s not all just from the boat.”

“So what?” Alec snapped. 

Jace stilled and frowned, looking up at his boyfriend, forehead lined in confusion. 

“So what if you’re have nightmares from the boat or your childhood. Both were traumatic.” 

Jace practically rolled his eyes, which had Alec’s frustration climbing.

“You were mistreated as a kid, you were brutalized by a man who you thought to be your father, a man who was supposed to protect you, but instead he hurt you. He hurt you _constantly_.” Abused is what Jace had been, but Alec had spoken that word once and he would never forget the way his parabatai had violently flinched, so he wasn’t ever going to say it again, no matter how true it was. “And then he came back and he took you away from your home and your family, from _me._ ” 

Alec watched as Jace’s eyes filled as they stared up at him so wide and searching, and he felt his own throat clog with emotion, but swallowed it down as he continued. 

“He took you away and tried, again, to beat you into something you’re not – something you could never be. He tried to mold you into him the way he had tried when you were a child. But it didn’t work any better this time than it had back then, because you could _never_ be him. You are too good.” 

Jace shook his head, his gaze falling. Alec was having none of it, he put two fingers beneath the shorter man’s chin and nudged it back up. 

“You are! You could never be what that bastard tried so hard to mold you into. You are too kind and too selfless and just too damn good. I know better than anyone. I carry half your soul around inside of me.” Alec explained, grabbing Jace’s fingers once again and bringing them down to press against the rune on his hip. “I know you better than anyone.”

Jace nodded and Alec was relieved that at least they were in agreement about one thing. 

“And I know what Valentine did to you. I know how he treated you. How he threatened, manipulated, and used you. I mean, Angel, Jace – he fucking tortured you.” Alec choked out, watching as Jace reached up and feeling thin fingers swipe at tears he hadn’t noticed must have escaped. “You don’t just get over that. Not in a couple weeks, or a couple years, or even a couple decades. It’s bigger than that – what happened to you. It takes more than time. You get it?” Alec asked, sounding almost as desperate as he was feeling as he reached out for Jace, resting a palm on the side of his neck. 

“I get it.” Jace rasped in return his one hand still on Alec’s hip as the other one swiped away more falling tears. 

“Your nightmares don’t bother me -- well they do because I can see and feel your hurt – but waking up to help you through that, does not bother me. What bothers me is knowing you’re in pain, knowing that you’re suffering, but not being able to be there for you. What bothers me is when I can’t feel you because you’re blocking me. That’s the only thing that bothers me. Not being able to feel you, it scares me.” Alec admitted, his voice cracking. 

“I’m sorry. That’s never what I wanted.” Jace insisted, his hands reaching up to cup Alec’s face. “I never want to scare you, I never meant to do that. I’m sorry”

“Stop apologizing, I know you don’t mean to. I know that.” Alec asserted.

Jace nodded, looking relieved, his hands falling to rest against the taller man’s chest. “I just wanted you to be able to sleep in peace. I wanted to save you from my mess.” 

“Don’t! Don’t ever save me from anything about you.” Alec pleaded, his hand moving up from Jace’s neck to the side of his face, cupping his jaw. “Your mess is my mess – so whatever you need in order to be okay, to _heal_. Even if you need space, whatever you need, I can do that, just please don’t block our bond. Don’t shut me out.” 

“I won’t, I promise. Okay? Never again.” Jace vowed, staring beseechingly up at Alec. 

“Okay, good. That’s good.” Alec commented, nodding shakily, trying to collect his emotions and regain control of himself. 

Jace stretched up on his tiptoes, his lips brushing Alec’s in a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry for scaring you.” He whispered before sliding his hand on the back of Alec’s neck to pull him down for a second kiss. 

“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do it again.” Alec requested, leaning down to rest his forehead against Jace’s. 

“Promise.” The blonde boy whispered in response. 

Alec nodded against his boyfriend’s head and they both stood for a moment, each accepting and offering love and comfort to and from the other.

“So what’ll it be?” Alec asked after a moment, straightening up, sliding his hand down off Jace’s face and grabbing for his hand, intertwining their fingers. “We can go train for a bit if you want. Or if you want to go on your own that’s fine.” 

Jace was shaking his head. “I don’t want to be anywhere but here.” He answered with a soft smile. 

The older boy couldn’t help smile in return. 

“And I’m exhausted. And so are you.” Jace added. 

Alec nodded, because sure he was tired, it was some ridiculous hour of the morning – but Jace was truly exhausted and had been for weeks. He stepped backwards towards the bed, lightly tugging on the slim fingers in his grasp. Jace followed a few steps but Alec quickly sensed his hesitation when they reached the bed. “What’s that matter?” He asked, the back of his knees hitting the mattress. 

“I just…” Jace faded off, shaking his head. 

Alec dropped to sit on the edge of the mattress, tugging Jace closer until he was standing between his legs, and then looked up at him – easily catching the lowered gaze. “Will you be able to fall asleep?” 

“Yeah.” Jace nodded. “I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s just – I, there might be another one. Lately it’s not just one nightmare and that’s it, if I got back to sleep a lot of times there’s another one.” He explained. “Sometimes it’s worse.” He added with a haunted whisper. 

“Are you afraid to have to go through it again?” Alec asked, no judgement in his voice as he slid the hand that wasn’t tangled with Jace’s fingers underneath his sweater and onto his hip, his thumb sliding back and forth over where he knew the parabatai rune was etched. 

He looked up and watched as the blonde boy shrugged. “A little, but mostly I just don’t want to wake you again.” He responded, his unoccupied fingers sliding into Alec’s thick black hair. 

“I don’t care.” Alec promised. “I want to be here with you. I want to hold you through it.” 

“It’s not fair –

“It is fair. You would do the same for me. You have done the same for me.” At Jace’s scowl, Alec continued. “You _have_. You have taken care of me more than anyone else. You’ve been there for me a million times. We do it for each other. It’s fair, Jace. Trust me, it’s more than fair.” 

The bicoloured eyes studied Alec’s face for a moment – as if looking for truth, before Jace nodded. 

“Okay?” Alec queried. 

“Okay.” Jace confirmed, stooping down to meet Alec’s lips with his own once again before shedding the sweater and allowing himself to be pulled down onto the mattress. 

They slid beneath the covers, both situated in the center of the bed. Alec wrapped himself around the smaller boy, tucking him into his chest. Jace clung to his parabatai in return, one hand resting against Alec’s chest over his heartbeat, and the other circling the taller man’s waist. 

“You need to start wearing socks.” Alec whined once a pair of cold feet were tucked against his legs. 

“I hate wearing socks to bed, you know that.” Jace muttered into his chest. “Besides I don’t need’em, I’ve got you.” He added cheekily, untucking his head from underneath Alec’s chin long enough to smirk up at the young Lightwood, before resting his forehead back against his boyfriend’s collarbone. 

“You’re impossible.” Alec sighed with a fond shake of his head. 

Jace giggled softly into his chest, the sound filling Alec’s heart with more love than he could contain. “I know. But you’ll still keep me.” 

And thank the Angel, that there wasn’t an ounce of uncertainty or question in the statement. 

Alec grinned, his lips dropping a kiss on the top of Jace’s head. “Always.” He whispered into the blonde hair, before the pair of parabatai drifted peacefully off to sleep.

Jace had another nightmare that night and Alec woke him like he had many times before. Jace allowed his boyfriend to hold him close, never tying to pull away and only apologizing a couple times. Then when morning came Alec felt Jace rouse first and he kept his eyes close, allowing the younger man to handle the situation whatever way he wanted. Jace had allowed Alec to help him through the night and the older boy knew how hard that was for his independent parabatai, so if Jace wanted to slip from his arms and save-face now that morning had arrived, Alec wouldn’t fight it, even though it was entirely unnecessary. Jace had no reason to be ashamed, but that had never stopped the red shade from colouring his pale face every morning after Alec had held him through the aftermath of a nightmare. 

But this time was different. 

Jace didn’t pull back or carefully disentangle himself from Alec’s grip – he seemed to have no desire to sneak away while offering a mantra apologies and act as though he had something to be embarrassed about. Instead, Alec heard Jace sigh, the sound soft and content, and then sensed his head shift on the pillow, after which he felt a soft kiss placed on the underside of his jaw, and then another on his neck – before Jace nuzzled back against his collarbone. The thinner frame shifted impossibly closer to Alec, who responded by tightening his hold around it. 

“Little heat-seeker.” He mumbled with a fond smile. 

“Giant hot-pocket.” Jace replied into his boyfriend’s chest. 

Alec chortled softly at the comment.

“Hot in more ways than one of course.” Jace slurred, shifting slightly to press a kiss into the hollow of Alec’s neck. 

Alec couldn’t withhold a chuckle, although he had no desire to grant Jace the encouragement. 

“Go back to sleep you little minx. It’s too early.” Alec claimed, not even bothering to check the time. 

“M’kay.” Jace hummed. “But more flirting later.” He insisted through a yawn.

“As if I could stop you.” Alec replied, his eyes falling closed, but smile remaining in place. 

“You wouldn’t dare.” 

Alec could feel Jace’s smile against his skin, and it made his heart soar.

In that perfect moment he couldn’t help but believe that everything was going to be okay. 

Because his whole world was right there in his arms, safe and happy.

And that was enough.

It always had been.


	4. Husbands

_It was relentless._

_The agony._

_It wouldn’t stop._

_Jace pleaded and begged for an end to the pain, but it never came._

_It began with a slap to the face, and then it was punches and kicks and chokeholds, the next thing he knew Jace had chains biting into his wrists and was suspended from the ceiling being burned and tortured – hanging there to be used as a punching bag by the one who hated him most._

_The man who masqueraded as his father for so many years._

_The man who had scarred his body almost as much as his psyche._

_The man who haunted Jace’s mind, even long after his death._

_Valentine._

Jace jerked awake, bolting up in bed, a cry on his lips. 

He worked to catch his breath, his eyes adjusting to the dark, the familiar trappings of his bedroom slowly coming into focus – his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to get his mind to catch up with his current environment and break free of the past that had assaulted his dreams once again.

He would have startled at the arm that snaked its way across his chest, if he didn’t recognize it the moment it grazed his bare skin.

“You okay, babe?” Alec asked with a voice rough from sleep, as his hand splayed over Jace’s galloping heart. 

Jace made a non-committal hum as he nodded shakily, still struggling to reintroduce himself with reality. He reached up, placing his hand over the one Alec had resting on his chest, intertwining their fingers, as he fought to slow his breathing. 

“I’m here. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” 

Jace twitched a smile at the familiar mantra, clenching Alec’s hand in his as a silent thank-you. 

“You’re safe.” His husband repeated, pressing a gentle kiss to his shoulder blade. 

Jace nodded once again, the movement a little steadier this time, though it mustn’t have been all too convincing because he could feel Alec shift closer, the firm chest pressing against his back as the taller man hooked his chin over Jace’s shoulder. 

“Nightmare?” Alec whispered, his other arm encircling Jace’s abdomen, so he was now hugging the shorter shadowhunter from behind. 

Jace angled his head to the left, catching a glimpse of the soft hazel gaze. 

“Yeah.” He rasped, shivering – either at the memory or the cool air hitting his sweat-damp skin, he wasn’t sure which, probably both.

Jace felt warm breath ghost over his shoulder before another kiss was placed against it. 

“It was my da- Valentine.” It didn’t matter how many years seemed to pass, Jace was still having trouble deciphering the two. Valentine may have never been his biological father, but he was the only version of a parent Jace had known for the first decade of his life. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had a dream about him.”

He felt Alec’s head turn further towards him, but he couldn’t bear to meet the compassionate gaze he knew was focussed on him, not if he wanted to keep himself together - so instead he reached out with his empty left hand and gently grasped his husband’s blanketed leg, while he stared absently into the dark room. 

“It was a bunch of memories all morphing into each other. Started out with the first time he hit me. It’s honestly one of the first things I can remember.” 

Alec’s arms tightened around him, the pressure helping to stem the tremors that were running through Jace’s frame. 

“I was four, maybe five – I don’t even know. I had been training all day.”

“Training?” Jace could hear the disbelief in Alec’s tone and glanced over to his left. 

“Yeah, just self-defense, hand-to-hand, no weapons – not sharp ones anyways.” 

“At four?” 

“Hey, you know I started early.” Jace commented with an attempt at a smirk. 

“Sure, but not that early. Angel, Jace, you were just a baby.” Alec declared, his distress evident in his tone.

“Well, Valentine never saw it that way.” Jace sighed. 

They sat for a moment, the younger man lost in his own thoughts, pulled back from the abyss when Alec squeezed his fingers, which Jace took as a silent prompt to continue. 

“He’d tried to teach me this move – there was this weighted barrel he’d been trying to get me to kick over. I hadn’t been able to do it; I was too short to put pressure on the proper spot and was too light to put enough power into the kick. He’d been so furious that I couldn’t get it. So I’d spent the entire day working on it, I’d spent all day in that training room, and then I’d finally figured it out. I’d figured out how to put more force into it, how to get the right angle – it’d taken me _hours_.” Jace recollected, his eyes staring blankly at the chair in the corner of the room, as he watched the memory play out in his mind. “I wanted to show him that I could do it. And I did, I showed him. I did it on the first attempt, the barrel went crashing over and I spun around, and stared up at him.”

Jace paused, recalling how he had been trying to hold back a smile – he’d been so proud of himself and so damn sure that his father would be impressed.

“The slap came out of nowhere, knocked me right off my feet.”

Jace felt Alec flinch against his back, and contracted his grip around the long fingers in apology, before he continued.

“It probably wasn’t even that hard, it was open-palmed - no blood or broken bones, but I just remember looking up at him, and my entire face was throbbing as I watched him just walk away like nothing had happened. I know I must have been upset and hurt – but more than anything I just remember being so confused. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. My fath- Valentine, had always been so clear – strict, of course, but I’d always known what he wanted from me. I was supposed to keep things clean and tidy, train hard, do what I was told, don’t speak unless I was asked to. Even at that age I understood the rules and the consequences. But I’d done something I thought was good, something I thought he wanted me to do. It wasn’t like I thought he’d be proud or anything, but I never imagined he’d be furious. I couldn’t understand why it had made him so angry.” Jace released a dark, humourless chuckle that sounded foreign even to his own ears. “Truth is, I still don’t get it. I don’t get what I did wrong. But I guess that was the point. He wanted me to learn I could never expect specific behaviours or certain reactions. He did spend a lot of time training me to always be ready for an attack – I suppose that was just the first lesson. When I was on the boat, he would send one of his minions to attack me at random hours of the night – or day, anytime and anywhere– so I guess he never felt that I really learned that lesson, since he was still trying to teach it to me over a decade later.” Jace released a snort of derision. 

“You did learn it, though.” 

The comment caught Jace’s attention, and he pulled his gaze from the dark corner and glanced over at Alec. “What?” 

“Your reflexes are incredible. Your reaction time has saved my ass more times than I could count.” 

Jace shook his head. “You’re just as quick as I am.” 

Alec appeared to give it a moment of thought, his chin rolling against Jace’s shoulder as he shifted his head. “Now, maybe, but that’s only because I learned from you.” 

“Me?” Jace balked. 

“Yes, _you_.” Alec replied, knocking his forehead into Jace’s. “You taught me. You helped me improve my reflexes, taught me how to always be alert, how to react faster. And you did it by showing me and teaching me patiently.” 

Jace shook his head, cursing the blush he could feel creeping onto his cheeks as he ducked away, chin touching his chest.

“You were taught so much in a violent and cruel way – but you teach through encouragement and patience – that was how you taught me and Izzy – and how you teach all the new trainees now. It’s amazing, Jace. You’re amazing.”

Alec’s voice was so full of love that part to Jace wanted to run from it, the age-old instinct that had been beaten into him, the one that told him to fear love. But Jace ignored that, shutting it out, and instead curled into his husband – allowing himself to accept the love he had ben taught to reject, the love he never imagined he could deserve.

Alec accepted him without a moment’s hesitation, pulling the smaller frame back into him, changing his grip to better accommodate the switched position, but never removing his arms from where they were wrapped around Jace.

Jace’s head was resting against Alec’s chest, his right side half-elevated as he laid partially on top of his parabatai, their legs tangled together beneath the sheets. Jace simply breathed, slowly beginning to relax and let the remaining thoughts of his nightmare fade away, revelling the unparalleled safety he always felt when in Alec’s hold. 

He was nearly asleep, being soothed by the fingers sliding rhythmically up and down his back; his beginning to droop, when he heard his husband speak, his voice low and soft as Jace felt the vibration of the words through his cheek. 

“I’m so sorry, Jace.” 

He wasn’t sure he was even supposed to hear the words, but they roused him from his sleepy-state nonetheless. 

“For what?” He rasped, moving his head up, his chin resting on Alec’s chest as he looked at the older man. 

Alec’s eyes were glistening in the dark, Jace could see the built-up moisture and immediately became more alert. 

“Babe? What’s the matter?” 

Alec looked away, his hand detouring form it’s route along Jace’s spine, to trace one of the larger scars on his back. He’d only seen it a time or two but he knew it to be a raised and discoloured mark on his skin. It was from the boat. Valentine had used a whip on him during a particularly vicious round of discipline – and when Jace hadn’t responded properly to the treatment, when he hadn’t submitted – Valentine had displayed just how much he had been holding back by striking Jace with an inconceivable amount of force, enough to tear mercilessly through the skin along the young man’s spine. It was one of the few wounds from the boat that had scarred. Normally Shadowhunters weren’t meant to scar, runes leaving injuries flawlessly healed – if they were applied promptly – but if the wound was left long enough that the skin began to stitch itself back together, than it was likely to scar – a lesson Jace had learned very early on in life. 

He felt Alec’s long fingers slide back and forth across the scar, and waited until his husband’s gaze returned to meet his own. Tears had escaped and were sliding slowly down the beautiful face. Jace reached up and swiped the moisture from Alec’s cheeks. 

“Talk to me, babe.” He whispered, his thumb rubbing across one of those prominent cheekbones. 

“I’m sorry you went through all that. I’m sorry for everything he did to you.” Alec rasped, voice full of emotion as another tear slipped from beneath his unbelievably long eyelashes. “I’m sorry your first memory is of you be- being hit.” Alec hiccupped, the hand that wasn’t on Jace’s back reaching down to swipe the blonde hair off his brow before softly cupping his face.

Jace leaned into the touch, closing his eyes for a moment as he soaked in every drop of affection. Alec was being so impossibly tender, as though he thought Jace’s cheek was still stinging from when his father had struck it so many years ago. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from him.” 

Jace shook his head. “But you did.” 

“Not soon enough.” Alec’s whisper sounded almost haunted as he delicately traced Jace’s scar once more, his touch feather-light as it lingered on the damaged skin. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be. No more apologies. Not from you. You’ve done more for me than anyone else. You don’t get to apologize for a damn thing.” Jace declared with all the conviction in the world, lightly grasping Alec’s chin to angle his face back down, meeting the shining gaze. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You hear me?” 

It took a moment, but eventually Alec responded with a small nod. 

Jace twitched a satisfied smile, releasing his husband’s chin and resting his cheek back down against the older man’s chest. 

“I’d take it from you if I could, you know? Everything he did – I’d take it. I’d trade places –

“No! Don’t say that – don’t even think that.” Jace exclaimed, leveraging himself up with an arm on Alec’s chest, so he could get a clear view of his parabatai – feeling a sense of urgency to put an end to such a vile thought. “I would never want that. _Never_. I don’t even want to think about—” Jace clamped his jaw shut, a ball of emotions clogging his throat. The mere idea of a child as intelligent, sweet, protective, and shy as a young Alec had been, trapped in Valentine’s clutches – it made Jace feel _sick_. His mind was assaulted by all the ways that bastard would have hurt Alec, all the ways he would have tried to unmake that delicate boy and mold him into the weapon he had made Jace into. Valentine would have sliced and bruised that tanned skin, he would have manipulated and violated that brilliant mind. He would have taken that elegant strength and steadfast dedication and twisted it into something dark and sinister. Valentine would have used and corrupted Alec’s selfless and compassionate nature. 

He would have done everything possible to taint that pure soul.

“Terrible, isn’t it?” 

Jace was relieved to be pulled from his dark thoughts, but he furrowed his brow, unsure of what Alec was talking about. 

“I felt your fear just then, and I recognized it because I feel it all the time. It’s awful, isn’t it? Thinking about that – thinking about the person you love most being abused.” 

Jace flinched at that word. Alec had only ever used that particular term once before. It was accurate, of course – maybe too accurate, perhaps that was the issue. But either way, the few times in his life Jace had heard the word _abuse_ it never failed to make him flinch. 

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.” Alec declared, sitting up a little further without jostling the man resting against him, an apology written all over his face. 

“It’s okay, Alec. It’s okay. You’re not wrong.” Jace insisted. His reaction to that word was his own issue, Alec wasn’t at fault for accurately portraying the situation.

He felt two large hands cradle his face, one of them moving up through his hair. “It’s not okay. I know how you feel about that word; I shouldn’t have used it. If just slipped out. I wasn’t thinking.” 

Angel, Jace loved this man so much. 

How did he ever get so lucky? 

What could he have possibly done to deserve someone like Alec? 

Someone who loved him despite all his issues and all the baggage he carried around. Someone who hurt with him or even on behalf of him. Someone who would do anything for him, would take his pain if it were possible. Someone who cared enough to filter his own damn vocabulary simply to cater to Jace’s illogical sensitivities.

Jace could never have earned the love Alec gave him so freely. 

And at the same time, he know he could not live without it, he survived by that love.

“It’s okay, Babe. I promise. It’s okay.” Jace declared with a reassuring smile, stretching up to press a kiss to his husband’s lips, his fingers sliding along the strong jawline. Alec responded in kind, his fingers buried in Jace’s hair as he leaned closer, the kiss slow and sweet. 

Jace hummed contently when they parted, resting his chin back on the firm chest as he kept his gaze on Alec, who was slow to open his eyes after the soothing contact.

“I just wish I could take it away – all the hurt and the scars and the memories.” Alec huffed, an edge of frustration to his tone. 

“I know you do.” Jace stated softly, because he did. And truth was, he’d be happy to be able to forget the hurt and remove the scars and burn away all those painful memories. But he would never transfer any of it to Alec – regardless of the fact that he knew his husband would gladly take it on. Jace would relive every trauma of his life – he’d take double the abuse and double the agony in order to protect his parabatai. 

He would do _anything_ for Alec, just as he knew Alec would do anything for him. 

“Maybe we could.” The older man suddenly spoke.

Jace raised his eyebrows, wondering if he’d missed something.

“Get rid of your memories. Maybe there’s a way.” Alec mused.

Jace’s eyebrows climbed higher. His husband must have been very exhausted to have been procuring such peculiar ideas. 

“Just the bad ones.” He continued. 

“Alec, we can’t just erase parts of my life. I’d just end up confused.” Jace tried to reason. 

“I could tell you what happened, fill you in on the important things. But the memories wouldn’t be there, or the nightmares.” Alec added in a quiet voice. 

Jace shook his head. “You know we can’t do that.” 

Alec’s face fell, a wave of despair crashing through the bond, causing Jace’s heart to clench; he reached up, pushing his fingers though the thick black hair, combing it off to the side. 

“I wouldn’t want to forget too much. I don’t want to lose even a moment of you – of _us_. It’s just too risky.” 

“I know.” Alec relented, his tone one of reluctant acceptance, though his expression was the epitome of misery. “It was a stupid idea.” 

Jace couldn’t help but grin. “It wasn’t stupid. You were just problem-solving, because that’s what you always do. You can’t even help yourself, Lightwood.” He teased fondly. 

Alec quirked a smile, but it did nothing to take away the sadness emitting from those two soulful eyes. 

“I just wanted to take it away.” He croaked, his impossibly gentle touch back on Jace’s cheek and once again trailing up and down his spine. 

“I know, babe – and I love you for that.” Jace replied, his voice breaking a little as he was overwhelmed by just how much he did love the man he had married. He pressed a grateful kiss to the underside of Alec’s jaw, squirming impossibly closer to the taller frame. “But I don’t need you to take it away, and I don’t need you to find a solution.” 

Alec frowned and Jace shifted higher up on his husband’s chest. 

“Because you _are_ my solution.” 

Jace nearly melted as he watched Alec cock his head slightly to the side. 

Angel, why was this man so damn precious!?

“You are all I need to be okay.” 

And of course the older man blushed at that, because Alec couldn’t help but be unbelievably adorable. Jace did his best to focus on the words he was trying to get out, and not allow himself to be derailed by his parabatai’s lovable nature. 

“I can handle the memories, and- and the nightmares.” His voice wavered momentarily as a snippet of the night terror flashed through his mind. 

He felt Alec’s arms tighten around him, and the secure hold immediately rescued Jace from the memories still lingering in the back of his mind where he tried desperately to keep them hidden. 

“I can handle it, as long as you’re here when I wake up.” Jace proclaimed honestly. Feeling uncomfortably exposed and vulnerable, but knowing he was safe with Alec – he always had been. 

“I’m here.” His husband declared, pulling Jace impossibly closer. “I’ll always be here.” Alec assured, his voice husky with emotion as he leaned down to meet Jace’s lips with his own.

“Promise?” Jace whispered, after the kiss, moving less than an inch away, his mouth brushing against Alec’s as he spoke. 

“Promise.” Alec vowed, recapturing the red lips that eagerly reacted to the contact. 

Jace melted into the second kiss, his body relaxing completely as love flowed through the bond, the rune on his hip pulsing with the force of it. Jace rested his forehead against Alec’s for a moment as their lips parted. 

“We should get to sleep. You have that meeting in the morning.” He mumbled, pressing a soft kiss against his husband’s cheek. 

“You okay to get back to sleep?” Alec asked, concern in his tone as he swiped at the hair that had fallen over Jace’s eyes. 

“Yeah, of course. You’re here.” Jace answered simply, smiling at Alec as he shifted back down to snuggle into the taller frame.

“Always.” Alec assured, holding the thinner frame securely against him. 

Jace curled impossibly further into his husband, practically nuzzling into the longer body. 

“Little heat-seeker.” Alec mumbled sleepily, his tone indicating a complaint, but his actions completely contradictory as he searched out Jace’s cold feet and sandwiched them between his legs. 

“You love it.” Jace quipped in return, angling his head up to place quick kiss against the long neck, before resting his cheek down near Alec’s collarbone. 

“I do.” Alec whispered in response, Jace could hear the smile in his voice, and felt his own lips twitch up in response. 

He didn’t care what memories waited to poison his dreams. 

He didn’t care about all the scars. 

He didn’t care about the _abuse_. 

Because he had Alec and Alec had him. 

And as long as they were together, there was nothing they couldn’t handle. 

_Nothing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was pondering the idea of maybe making this into a series. Taking issues/situations and showing how Jace and Alec would deal with them throughout different stages of their lives/relationship. Would anyone have any interest in reading more fics like this one? Any interest in a series at all? Please let me know!


End file.
